Cold Day in January

I understand that January is of course supposed to be a cold month, but something about this January feels different. Something much more lonely than last year. It's a bitter cold all the way deep down into my heart. Everytime the wind blows on my face I feel the tears beginning to form; is it the cold?, or is it just a release of emotion I have been suppressing?

My life is not what it should be right now. I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place as the saying goes. The truth is, I have really bad seasonal affectedness disorder (and I am sure that is spelled incorrectly and should be capitalized), and the short, dark days really bring me down. Especially, however, after I watch romantic comedies.

Today I went to a 3-hour lunch with my friend Megan who generously paid for my meal, which I scarfed down like a rabid wolf. She imbibed many-a-beverage during our sitting. I had my first of many Diet Cokes, as I am trying out this new thing called a "diet". She had an impressive 1 Margarita, 1 Delirium (a wonderful beer high in alcohol, I believe it's 7.5%?), 1 beer that came in a pretty chalice of a glass, and 2 more beers which were lighter in color; I guess she was getting tired of the thick beer. I wasn't sad while I was sitting there, but it's obvious I wasn't feeling like myself as Megan and her friends tried to get me to have a beverage and become more lively. I usually am outgoing and can be found laughing at a straw from time to time. But the coldness inside of me was growing. The sun had set by the time we were leaving and I was just wasted with the day; I haven't felt like myself for quite some time.

After the wastedfest of Mellow Mushroom (the restaurant where we had lunch, or beer in Megan's case), we picked up Kasey and went to see the movie 27 Dresses. CHICK FLICK to the maximum. Generally speaking, I like to think of chick flicks as my guilty pleasure. A very small part of me wants to believe that these feelings they feel on screen could turn out to be real in the "real world". But there again was the coldness in my bones. Am I becoming bitter towards the prospects of love? Or is it just the winter taking its toll on my psychologically?

I can't help but think of the Dixie Chicks song "Cold Day in July" as I write this. What a depressing group of girls that is. "Head in my hands, here I am standing in my bare feet, watching you drive away," powerful lyrics. I think this song sums up the way winter feels for me if you want to listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acnX3C9DqsI . It shows that the sun is coming up somewhere, and life is going on all around you, but all you want to do is stay inside with your head in your hands, most likely with a white satin blanket over your head. It's more of a metaphorical cold I think. What is it about listening to sad songs makes me feel better about my life? Comisseration factor, that's my best guess.

After seeing the movie that still believes in romance, I have to wonder if maybe - just maybe- hearing that love doesn't work out counters the fact that this love does not exist. Somewhere in between movies and music is where the true love lies. The extreme sides of both prove to be satisfying, as everyone wants to watch and believe that love in it's purest form still exists; yet, at the same time, there is an urge to rebel against it with music because most of us haven't found our Prince Charming. I wonder if I were to find this true, pure love if my seasonal affectedness disorder (ironic acronym "S.A.D."), would be cured?

Why do all of my blogs always end up speaking about love in a greater context? Maybe I'll just go absorb some fake sun in the tanning salon to cheer myself up in the meantime.