This blog might come off as a dedication to my friends, but that's what it is. Listen to this while you read if you want... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnW59E-zyZY
A while back, my friend Kasey and I were at the Fox and the Hound (a local bar in Wilmington, NC where our Meggy works) for karaoke night. I was having a wonderful time imbibing as much tequila as the next guy when my eye candy walks into the bar. Let me correct myself- my unattainable eye candy. Turns out one of my good friends is in love with him (which I am pretty sure I mentioned in detail in the last blog...)
Anyway, I started to get a little bummed out so in my drunken wonderment for karaoke, I told my friend Kasey to turn to a page and I would close my eyes and pick the song that would become my new "theme music". Low and behold, I picked "Mrs. Robinson". What a perfect song, it's very uplifting and happy with a twist of old woman loving young men. How flaming perfect can you get?
Let me explain to you the resemblance this has to my life before you get freaked out that I am some sort of pedophile: I am graduating this year from UNCW which is not a huge similarity, but I intend on being a high school teacher. I also have a tendency to date younger boys (all over 18 so don't worry), keeps things very easy for the most part. I am not looking for marriage, nor am I expecting to settle down any time soon. Thus, my friends down here have a running joke of how I am going to be the next teacher on the news to run off with a high school quarterback. I really hope that this does not happen... actually, I am just going to go ahead and say this will never happen. (Future employers, I can guarantee it won't happen, I swear!)
Continuing, that was an interesting night. It got me thinking about my future. Can I be this way forever? Will I be doomed to a completely boring future (i.e. kids, husband, job, no traveling)? I really hope that I can have some fun in my life before I have to settle down.
There is a Sex and the City quote that has always resonated with my lifestyle. Carrie, known for being hopelessly in love with a man who doesn't treat her well enough, states that some women are just not meant to be tied down. The exact quote is as follows: "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them." Where is my soul mate?
Soooo.... keep up boys, this is your guide to what I need. I want someone who can sweep me off my feet, push me down, and start running away backwards so I can catch up and return the favor. I want someone to play with, someone to run with; I want someone to laugh with... I really just want someone to be my best friend and keep me going. Keep me on my toes, "spin me round" if you will, haha. Is there much more to life that being completely intoxicated with your life? It's about having fun; it should be about only living once, and having a blast while doing it.
My final question to you is where is the fun in your life? Kick it up a notch, Mrs. Robinson! Hop into that metaphorical convertible and let the wind blow your hair back! Feel the adrenheline, wake up and smell the effing roses, Batman! (Sorry for this blog, I swear I really am in college, not in elementary school)
Monday, December 3, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
warn out by myself.
I dont understand why I do it to myself. I know for a fact that I am over this guy, but for some reason he can still draw me in. It's like the whole philosophy on the predator and the prey... you find the weakest victim among the herd of potential victims. For some reason, these predators know my weakness- I am too compassionate. I care too much about people who don't care enough for me.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Holiday"? Well, if not, there's a part of the movie where Cameron Diaz admits that she can't cry anymore. She went through some major trauma in her life, and without giving away part of the movie, it essentially made her cold to the world. I am starting to feel like Cameron. I feel like I have cried and cared way too much about everything and everyone that essentially shouldn't even matter to me. Am I now callous to the world? I hope not, but I really don't know how to feel about anything these days.
Here is the story of my past two days. I have continued taking care of my crippled ex boyfriend. Which is fine, but I can only be a shoulder to cry on so much. Why would a guy call his ex girlfriend to come and take care of him if he had every intention of taking out another girl to his semi-formal event on Friday? I don't understand, why wouldn't he just call her for compassion and company? Why am I the only one he feels comfortable enough to cry around and be weak towards... it's really not fair to me. To get this straight though, it's not because I am jealous of the other girl(s), but moreover, it's that I don't feel that it's appropriate to tell me if you intend on taking another girl to something so special. It's the principle of telling me, not the physical action of doing it. If you are out there reading this, please explain this to me- because I really do not get it.
Secondly, there is a boy I am interested in that is extremely off limits. If you think guys have a code as to which girls a friend can date based upon "guy rules", well, girls rules are far more obsessive and controlling. I am incredibly drawn toward this one guy, but one of my best friends down here has had a crush on him for years and I just can't do that to her. Even if the attraction happened to be mutual, I still wouldn't be able to act on it. The worst part of this situation is that this particular boy is the first one I have been intrigued by since my past break up. I have been on a few semi-dates, but knowing that this one guy I am interested in is off limits makes everything so much harder. The semi-dates have been hanging out in bars with no chemistry and dry senses of humor. I feel like these dates are the embodiment of a gin martini... without the olives or twist, and not to mention, probably stirred. In other words, they are a waste of my time and I have yet to have a connection with any of them. But this one guy is really different, just the way he looks and talks is interesting to me. It brings a smile to my face, a new and fresh smile. It's weird. I wish I could explain it, but in any case, he's off limits so I have to learn to look away.
I truly wish there were some way I could have everything I need. Not everything I want, because once you achieve that- you have nothing to live for. But I wish everything I need was around me. The way I view needs is shelter, food and water, sleep, and something worth waking up for. It seems recently that my life has been in a rut. I don't blame my ex at all, I blame myself for this. I dwell too much on the things I can not change. Life is difficult, but definitely worth the struggle.
Ironically, my previous thought about the inability to cry has proven itself wrong. As I wrote these feelings down, I felt the cold, salty tears running down my face. I wish people could honor the codes of decency when a relationship goes to hell. There are so many things I would never do to someone that have happened to me in my past several relationships; I don't wish these things on my worst enemy because it feels like someone rips a hole into your heart. And, as I previously mentioned, it's not the action of seeing other people that bothers me, it's the dangling it infront of my face to see how I react that bothers me. I don't understand because I don't deserve that. No one does.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Holiday"? Well, if not, there's a part of the movie where Cameron Diaz admits that she can't cry anymore. She went through some major trauma in her life, and without giving away part of the movie, it essentially made her cold to the world. I am starting to feel like Cameron. I feel like I have cried and cared way too much about everything and everyone that essentially shouldn't even matter to me. Am I now callous to the world? I hope not, but I really don't know how to feel about anything these days.
Here is the story of my past two days. I have continued taking care of my crippled ex boyfriend. Which is fine, but I can only be a shoulder to cry on so much. Why would a guy call his ex girlfriend to come and take care of him if he had every intention of taking out another girl to his semi-formal event on Friday? I don't understand, why wouldn't he just call her for compassion and company? Why am I the only one he feels comfortable enough to cry around and be weak towards... it's really not fair to me. To get this straight though, it's not because I am jealous of the other girl(s), but moreover, it's that I don't feel that it's appropriate to tell me if you intend on taking another girl to something so special. It's the principle of telling me, not the physical action of doing it. If you are out there reading this, please explain this to me- because I really do not get it.
Secondly, there is a boy I am interested in that is extremely off limits. If you think guys have a code as to which girls a friend can date based upon "guy rules", well, girls rules are far more obsessive and controlling. I am incredibly drawn toward this one guy, but one of my best friends down here has had a crush on him for years and I just can't do that to her. Even if the attraction happened to be mutual, I still wouldn't be able to act on it. The worst part of this situation is that this particular boy is the first one I have been intrigued by since my past break up. I have been on a few semi-dates, but knowing that this one guy I am interested in is off limits makes everything so much harder. The semi-dates have been hanging out in bars with no chemistry and dry senses of humor. I feel like these dates are the embodiment of a gin martini... without the olives or twist, and not to mention, probably stirred. In other words, they are a waste of my time and I have yet to have a connection with any of them. But this one guy is really different, just the way he looks and talks is interesting to me. It brings a smile to my face, a new and fresh smile. It's weird. I wish I could explain it, but in any case, he's off limits so I have to learn to look away.
I truly wish there were some way I could have everything I need. Not everything I want, because once you achieve that- you have nothing to live for. But I wish everything I need was around me. The way I view needs is shelter, food and water, sleep, and something worth waking up for. It seems recently that my life has been in a rut. I don't blame my ex at all, I blame myself for this. I dwell too much on the things I can not change. Life is difficult, but definitely worth the struggle.
Ironically, my previous thought about the inability to cry has proven itself wrong. As I wrote these feelings down, I felt the cold, salty tears running down my face. I wish people could honor the codes of decency when a relationship goes to hell. There are so many things I would never do to someone that have happened to me in my past several relationships; I don't wish these things on my worst enemy because it feels like someone rips a hole into your heart. And, as I previously mentioned, it's not the action of seeing other people that bothers me, it's the dangling it infront of my face to see how I react that bothers me. I don't understand because I don't deserve that. No one does.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
a way with words or away with words, that is the question
Song of the day, hopefully you'll like this one:
''What a wonderful world" - Louis Armstrong, http://youtube.com/watch?v=vnRqYMTpXHc
In my feminism for the future women's literature class, we discussed the way every word serves a particular purpose for the author of any given piece; the word was invented for that particular work and no other. The word could be replaced by many, and debated by all who wish to examine its meanings. Sometimes I feel like every human being is an ambiguous word- what defines you? Are you unlike any other person around you? Perhaps you are a synonym to your friends, and an antonym to your enemies. Haha, before I get carried away I am going to get to the point. Sometimes I feel like I am overused, undervalued, and unappreciated. Much like the word "the". (Used 7 times, and I am sure you didn't acknowledge it once.)
This blog is not directed to any of my family (as you are mostly the ones who read this blog), or my close friends. This is directed at essentially every relationship I have ever had. Particularly, the last one. But without any of the details, let me further examine this word philosophy I have just presented. Maybe you can not escape the word that defines you- this is what I am most afraid of. My biggest character flaw in my opinion is being too "there" for people, and not enough for myself. On numerous instances, I have been called to this fact by close friends and family. I really honestly believe that if I were dying and, for example, I heard one of my friends was hurt or suffering in some way, I would have the nurses cart my ass to their doorstep so that I could take the pain away for them. I am not saying this for personal glory, I am saying it because I view this blog as a form of a journalistic confessional.
I like that my friends and family can depend on me. But, the real question is- how many of my friends would come to my aid if I needed them? All last week, I took care of my ex boyfriend because he had torn something in his knee and was unable to walk or sit or stand without assistance. I am not saying that I hated every minute of taking care of him, because honestly- it was good to see him... at first. Then the routine of constantly helping him kicked in; could you get me this? could you get me that?--- Could you shut the hell up and get it for yourself? That's why crutches were invented! (Sorry, built up frustration can be a real pain.)
Am I used to being used? There I go, playing with words again. But honestly, do I look for those needy people so that I can feel better about myself? Do I really enjoy having people come to me for their last hope, or mom away from home? Is it about self fulfillment?
I am beginning to wonder if these answers are all yes... I wonder what would happen if there were a male in the world who cared more about caring for me that I do for him. That would really be something. I can not imagine this scenario. Maybe it went out with the duck-billed platypus. Maybe relationships are extinct...
Lets explore this "extinct relationship" idea- because in my mind, it doesn't seem so far fetched. Maybe actual loving relationships, where both partners engage in genuine concern and trust are completely extinct. Maybe, just maybe, they are only in movies which is why people often tell me I am looking for "movie romance". Well shit, maybe I am! But I feel like I deserve it... moreover, I think that EVERYONE deserves it. The relationships of today's society have created a battleground of "he said, she saids'' or break ups and make ups. Too much drama in the world- I wish people could just lay back and watch the clouds roll by again. I wish relationships could go back to more simple times... guy loves girl, girl loves guy. Happy ending (in its most innocent sense, you dirty minded word analyzer). Since when did sexual exploration come into the picture? Why is it so rewarding to screw the whole cheerleading team?
Aaaand back to the word "the". My word. Used, but rarely abused thank God, the word embodies the one most overlooked principle: If we don't appreciate everything about someone, how can we truly appreciate everything that defines us? A better understanding of the people around us could help to provide a more peaceful and loving society. Maybe it won't increase the amount of romance in the world, but at least it would make a better plot. If every character had the gumption to get off of their lazy behinds and get to know someone on a deeper level as opposed to just recognizing them for what they are on the face value, wow. It would just really be something wonderful.
''What a wonderful world" - Louis Armstrong, http://youtube.com/watch?v=vnRqYMTpXHc
In my feminism for the future women's literature class, we discussed the way every word serves a particular purpose for the author of any given piece; the word was invented for that particular work and no other. The word could be replaced by many, and debated by all who wish to examine its meanings. Sometimes I feel like every human being is an ambiguous word- what defines you? Are you unlike any other person around you? Perhaps you are a synonym to your friends, and an antonym to your enemies. Haha, before I get carried away I am going to get to the point. Sometimes I feel like I am overused, undervalued, and unappreciated. Much like the word "the". (Used 7 times, and I am sure you didn't acknowledge it once.)
This blog is not directed to any of my family (as you are mostly the ones who read this blog), or my close friends. This is directed at essentially every relationship I have ever had. Particularly, the last one. But without any of the details, let me further examine this word philosophy I have just presented. Maybe you can not escape the word that defines you- this is what I am most afraid of. My biggest character flaw in my opinion is being too "there" for people, and not enough for myself. On numerous instances, I have been called to this fact by close friends and family. I really honestly believe that if I were dying and, for example, I heard one of my friends was hurt or suffering in some way, I would have the nurses cart my ass to their doorstep so that I could take the pain away for them. I am not saying this for personal glory, I am saying it because I view this blog as a form of a journalistic confessional.
I like that my friends and family can depend on me. But, the real question is- how many of my friends would come to my aid if I needed them? All last week, I took care of my ex boyfriend because he had torn something in his knee and was unable to walk or sit or stand without assistance. I am not saying that I hated every minute of taking care of him, because honestly- it was good to see him... at first. Then the routine of constantly helping him kicked in; could you get me this? could you get me that?--- Could you shut the hell up and get it for yourself? That's why crutches were invented! (Sorry, built up frustration can be a real pain.)
Am I used to being used? There I go, playing with words again. But honestly, do I look for those needy people so that I can feel better about myself? Do I really enjoy having people come to me for their last hope, or mom away from home? Is it about self fulfillment?
I am beginning to wonder if these answers are all yes... I wonder what would happen if there were a male in the world who cared more about caring for me that I do for him. That would really be something. I can not imagine this scenario. Maybe it went out with the duck-billed platypus. Maybe relationships are extinct...
Lets explore this "extinct relationship" idea- because in my mind, it doesn't seem so far fetched. Maybe actual loving relationships, where both partners engage in genuine concern and trust are completely extinct. Maybe, just maybe, they are only in movies which is why people often tell me I am looking for "movie romance". Well shit, maybe I am! But I feel like I deserve it... moreover, I think that EVERYONE deserves it. The relationships of today's society have created a battleground of "he said, she saids'' or break ups and make ups. Too much drama in the world- I wish people could just lay back and watch the clouds roll by again. I wish relationships could go back to more simple times... guy loves girl, girl loves guy. Happy ending (in its most innocent sense, you dirty minded word analyzer). Since when did sexual exploration come into the picture? Why is it so rewarding to screw the whole cheerleading team?
Aaaand back to the word "the". My word. Used, but rarely abused thank God, the word embodies the one most overlooked principle: If we don't appreciate everything about someone, how can we truly appreciate everything that defines us? A better understanding of the people around us could help to provide a more peaceful and loving society. Maybe it won't increase the amount of romance in the world, but at least it would make a better plot. If every character had the gumption to get off of their lazy behinds and get to know someone on a deeper level as opposed to just recognizing them for what they are on the face value, wow. It would just really be something wonderful.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Hide and Seek
First off, if you haven't heard the song "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap, you should listen to it immediately as you read this.
Have you ever had that one friend that you have always wondered what would happen if you were to date? In my life, I have had several. And, as I intend to be writing this blog for quite some time, I am sure I will talk about all of them in great detail. I was a huge tomboy growing up and I have always had a better time hanging out with the boys than playing "pretty, pretty princess" or making snow angels. I loved snow football and getting driven into the snow by the boys who I considered to be my friends despite the fact they outweigh me by at least 45-50 pounds without leniency.
Anyway, back to the boy at hand. Wow, I guess I should actually refer to him as a man now... crazy how that works...
I met him my freshman year of high school, which now seems like ages ago. We had one of those ultimate high school relationships where there was awkward tension and blushing (at least on my part). Most teenager movies refer to this guy as "the guy you get up and go to school for," I am sure everyone can relate to this feeling. The best part about this story is that there is SO much information to it that would make you think that we were extremely close; but in reality, when we were in classes or walking in the halls, we hardly spoke. We were in different circles, as high school always works out in the most inconvenient manner. Maybe that lead to the appeal.
We went miniature golfing one time. As previously stated, the tomboy in me enjoys a physical challenge, so we and two other friends decided to make a "play date". I still remember exactly what I wore- which definitely wouldn't fit me today. I had on blue capri's which made my ass look better and some stupid white shirt I had worn a million times just because I think white and blue make the best combination of colors (Go UNCW Seahawks! <-- sorry). Anyway, the particular boy of which I am writing killed me in miniature golf, leaving me baffled because not only do I hate losing, but I had thought I was good at mini-golf. So, since we were merely freshmen, we got picked up by his parents and went through the McDonalds Drive-Thru to get McFlurries, an excellent suggestion because it was hot and CC (one of our other friends), loves McFlurries with peanut butter cups. Weird the things you remember when you think back...
Anyway, we get back to his house to watch a movie and I am super nervous because he is right there the whole darn time and I am too much of a chicken to talk to him or make any type of move to show that I am interested. So how do I show this? I spill fucking McFlurry all over his basement floor carpet. Great first impression to him and his family... great. Somehow, thank God, they let me stay and we hung out while my face simmered from a flaming hell red back to its normal "I really like him" blush. Later in our sophomore year, the very same foursome pattern, me, him, CC, and another boy, decided to grab a bottle of liquor and go drink on some neighborhood park. Since I was driving, I kept it to a minimum, but I made sure to pour some in a McDonalds (again with that damn McDonalds) cup for my return home. Unfortunately, karma strikes again, and I was driving Chris (oh yeah his name is Chris), and took a sharp turn into his neighborhood, spilling my wonderful drink all over his lap. This is the only fight as I recall we have ever been in- "how will I get the smell out Stephanie!!" aaaaand I wanted to die. But eventually, we laughed about this... at least I did once I got the smell out of my mother's jeep passenger seat.
There were a lot of instances like these in high school, where I would do stupid things to embarass myself in front of him. It was really quite annoying and out of my control. I never knew if he was interested in me, or if he just thought I was amusing. So, I permanently decided to have a boyfriend that was not him... an interesting, but altogether satisfactory decision I would say. It allowed us to still be friends and not have the awkward break up.
Junior prom. I had been dating a guy for a few months leading up to our junior prom but he had a soccer game in Pennsylvania the night of my prom. And like a true gentleman (not a conniving to any extent), Chris stepped up and offered to be my date. Again, here's the problem with me and Chris. Timing is never EVER right. He had a baseball game that day and injured his freakin' knee, and was bitching as I recall all night about it. Not to mention the stupid fat skanks from the sophomore class kept hitting on him all night... it was interesting prom, but I had a great time. I wish we would have taken more pictures. So, my parents had agreed to let me and all my friends stay at the house after prom, just so we could enjoy each others company some more after the music and the "soda" had ended. Into the basement of my house we all went, and Chris somehow ended up on the only couch we had down there. Pissed off that he got to it first, I tried to lay with him... which I guess is when those stupid old feelings started coming back. Redirected from current boyfriend to him, I wanted to lay next to him and sleep. But nope. Chris- my little princely friend- kicked me off because of his knee problem. As I recall it went something like this, "Stephanie get down my knee hurts!" Another failed opportunity.
Then my senior year came along, and I was truly in love with another boy from another school, but he was always in the back of my mind as the "what if" boy. And the worst part is that the new boyfriend knew it and viewed Chris as a threat, so I had to stop hanging out with him because there is nothing more annoying to me than high school drama. But in our classes we managed to make fun of other people and procure our own happy relationship, to a very small extent.
Years went by and the boyfriend and I broke up. On a family vacation, my sister and I decided to head back to my house early because... well, wow. Now I have no idea why... but in any case, there was a HUGE monsterous bug in the house! And my dog was still with my parents at the beach, so we didnt have anything to kill it- instead we hid in the laundry room and ran around screaming like babies. So outside my sister and I ran to figure out what we were going to do next... she left for College Park to her bugfree apartment, and I went to go pick up my long lost friend from high school because he only lives about 5 minutes from my house.
To my surprise, there was party where Chris was. So I showed up still all decked out in beach gear from the drive home and had a few beers with people I hadn't seen since high school. Needless to say, the attraction was still there. But now, something felt different between him and me. Maybe it was the liquor, but when we went back to my house to kill that bug... something happened. It's all kind of blurry, but I think in the romance movies or in this case, a romantic comedy, they have a tendency to montage anyway. Maybe it was the liquor. All I really remember about that night was Chris laughing at the fact that it was "just a cricket". Bullsh, Chris. Bullsh. It was definitely the biggest effing cricket I have ever seen. Maybe it was a cricket who ate all the rest of the crickets in the world? Who knows. But it was a fun and good night, and one that I will remember parts of forever..
Then off to college I went... taking these memories to my new life in North Carolina. We have stayed in really good touch in my opinion, we have always been there for when we needed each other the most. Which is what brings me to the point of my blog. He has been going through some major relationship woes and I know how bad that feels. He is my best friend from high school without a doubt. Without him, I never would have made it through those stupid, weird, braces-infested, with a side of acne years. It breaks my heart that you are hurting right now and I can't be there to watch Sweet Home Alabama with you and rewind all the funny parts that made us spit up and cry for hours on end, or play board games because there is not a board game in the world that you can beat me at and I know that you enjoy the challenge. Especially cranium, because you never beat me and CC at that.
Final thoughts now that I am laughing about every memory we ever had:
Hang in there. You are the best person I have ever known- so incredibly capable of showing and receiving love and kindness. If this relationship doesn't work out for you, there is not a doubt in my mind that you will find someone who truly appreciates just how wonderful you are. Maybe they will even know how to deal with the fact that you could beat their ass in everything physically motivated (mini golf, bowling, baseball... i hate you). Also, I really do wish for the best with this relationship. Any girl who can keep your attention for over two years has got to be really something. She is lucky to have you.
Oh, and if we aren't already married by 30... you are marrying me. Ok thanks bye.
Have you ever had that one friend that you have always wondered what would happen if you were to date? In my life, I have had several. And, as I intend to be writing this blog for quite some time, I am sure I will talk about all of them in great detail. I was a huge tomboy growing up and I have always had a better time hanging out with the boys than playing "pretty, pretty princess" or making snow angels. I loved snow football and getting driven into the snow by the boys who I considered to be my friends despite the fact they outweigh me by at least 45-50 pounds without leniency.
Anyway, back to the boy at hand. Wow, I guess I should actually refer to him as a man now... crazy how that works...
I met him my freshman year of high school, which now seems like ages ago. We had one of those ultimate high school relationships where there was awkward tension and blushing (at least on my part). Most teenager movies refer to this guy as "the guy you get up and go to school for," I am sure everyone can relate to this feeling. The best part about this story is that there is SO much information to it that would make you think that we were extremely close; but in reality, when we were in classes or walking in the halls, we hardly spoke. We were in different circles, as high school always works out in the most inconvenient manner. Maybe that lead to the appeal.
We went miniature golfing one time. As previously stated, the tomboy in me enjoys a physical challenge, so we and two other friends decided to make a "play date". I still remember exactly what I wore- which definitely wouldn't fit me today. I had on blue capri's which made my ass look better and some stupid white shirt I had worn a million times just because I think white and blue make the best combination of colors (Go UNCW Seahawks! <-- sorry). Anyway, the particular boy of which I am writing killed me in miniature golf, leaving me baffled because not only do I hate losing, but I had thought I was good at mini-golf. So, since we were merely freshmen, we got picked up by his parents and went through the McDonalds Drive-Thru to get McFlurries, an excellent suggestion because it was hot and CC (one of our other friends), loves McFlurries with peanut butter cups. Weird the things you remember when you think back...
Anyway, we get back to his house to watch a movie and I am super nervous because he is right there the whole darn time and I am too much of a chicken to talk to him or make any type of move to show that I am interested. So how do I show this? I spill fucking McFlurry all over his basement floor carpet. Great first impression to him and his family... great. Somehow, thank God, they let me stay and we hung out while my face simmered from a flaming hell red back to its normal "I really like him" blush. Later in our sophomore year, the very same foursome pattern, me, him, CC, and another boy, decided to grab a bottle of liquor and go drink on some neighborhood park. Since I was driving, I kept it to a minimum, but I made sure to pour some in a McDonalds (again with that damn McDonalds) cup for my return home. Unfortunately, karma strikes again, and I was driving Chris (oh yeah his name is Chris), and took a sharp turn into his neighborhood, spilling my wonderful drink all over his lap. This is the only fight as I recall we have ever been in- "how will I get the smell out Stephanie!!" aaaaand I wanted to die. But eventually, we laughed about this... at least I did once I got the smell out of my mother's jeep passenger seat.
There were a lot of instances like these in high school, where I would do stupid things to embarass myself in front of him. It was really quite annoying and out of my control. I never knew if he was interested in me, or if he just thought I was amusing. So, I permanently decided to have a boyfriend that was not him... an interesting, but altogether satisfactory decision I would say. It allowed us to still be friends and not have the awkward break up.
Junior prom. I had been dating a guy for a few months leading up to our junior prom but he had a soccer game in Pennsylvania the night of my prom. And like a true gentleman (not a conniving to any extent), Chris stepped up and offered to be my date. Again, here's the problem with me and Chris. Timing is never EVER right. He had a baseball game that day and injured his freakin' knee, and was bitching as I recall all night about it. Not to mention the stupid fat skanks from the sophomore class kept hitting on him all night... it was interesting prom, but I had a great time. I wish we would have taken more pictures. So, my parents had agreed to let me and all my friends stay at the house after prom, just so we could enjoy each others company some more after the music and the "soda" had ended. Into the basement of my house we all went, and Chris somehow ended up on the only couch we had down there. Pissed off that he got to it first, I tried to lay with him... which I guess is when those stupid old feelings started coming back. Redirected from current boyfriend to him, I wanted to lay next to him and sleep. But nope. Chris- my little princely friend- kicked me off because of his knee problem. As I recall it went something like this, "Stephanie get down my knee hurts!" Another failed opportunity.
Then my senior year came along, and I was truly in love with another boy from another school, but he was always in the back of my mind as the "what if" boy. And the worst part is that the new boyfriend knew it and viewed Chris as a threat, so I had to stop hanging out with him because there is nothing more annoying to me than high school drama. But in our classes we managed to make fun of other people and procure our own happy relationship, to a very small extent.
Years went by and the boyfriend and I broke up. On a family vacation, my sister and I decided to head back to my house early because... well, wow. Now I have no idea why... but in any case, there was a HUGE monsterous bug in the house! And my dog was still with my parents at the beach, so we didnt have anything to kill it- instead we hid in the laundry room and ran around screaming like babies. So outside my sister and I ran to figure out what we were going to do next... she left for College Park to her bugfree apartment, and I went to go pick up my long lost friend from high school because he only lives about 5 minutes from my house.
To my surprise, there was party where Chris was. So I showed up still all decked out in beach gear from the drive home and had a few beers with people I hadn't seen since high school. Needless to say, the attraction was still there. But now, something felt different between him and me. Maybe it was the liquor, but when we went back to my house to kill that bug... something happened. It's all kind of blurry, but I think in the romance movies or in this case, a romantic comedy, they have a tendency to montage anyway. Maybe it was the liquor. All I really remember about that night was Chris laughing at the fact that it was "just a cricket". Bullsh, Chris. Bullsh. It was definitely the biggest effing cricket I have ever seen. Maybe it was a cricket who ate all the rest of the crickets in the world? Who knows. But it was a fun and good night, and one that I will remember parts of forever..
Then off to college I went... taking these memories to my new life in North Carolina. We have stayed in really good touch in my opinion, we have always been there for when we needed each other the most. Which is what brings me to the point of my blog. He has been going through some major relationship woes and I know how bad that feels. He is my best friend from high school without a doubt. Without him, I never would have made it through those stupid, weird, braces-infested, with a side of acne years. It breaks my heart that you are hurting right now and I can't be there to watch Sweet Home Alabama with you and rewind all the funny parts that made us spit up and cry for hours on end, or play board games because there is not a board game in the world that you can beat me at and I know that you enjoy the challenge. Especially cranium, because you never beat me and CC at that.
Final thoughts now that I am laughing about every memory we ever had:
Hang in there. You are the best person I have ever known- so incredibly capable of showing and receiving love and kindness. If this relationship doesn't work out for you, there is not a doubt in my mind that you will find someone who truly appreciates just how wonderful you are. Maybe they will even know how to deal with the fact that you could beat their ass in everything physically motivated (mini golf, bowling, baseball... i hate you). Also, I really do wish for the best with this relationship. Any girl who can keep your attention for over two years has got to be really something. She is lucky to have you.
Oh, and if we aren't already married by 30... you are marrying me. Ok thanks bye.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Growing Up
For all of the viewers whom do not have myspace.com access, this was my very first attempt to writing what I was feeling post-breakup with my first North Carolina boyfriend. The particular details of this heartache I do not feel the need to include in this blog; however, if I could have one wish from you all reading it, it would be for a greater understanding of yourselves through the truth I have come to realize. Everyone has suffered a heartache- losing a beloved friend, a husband or wife, lover, sister or brother. The words I had written over a year ago at this point have the paradoxical congruency to nearly every situation I have encountered in my adult life.
Without further rambling, here is my excerpt from my old blog:
Final thought:
Live for the day, learn from yesterday, and know that tomorrow is always a fresh beginning to the rest of your life.
Without further rambling, here is my excerpt from my old blog:
"Sometimes the hardest part of life is knowing you can't change things, and yet things always change. You can't help who you love, and you can't love people who don't help themselves. There is nothing worse in life than letting something go that you love more than anything, but its a part of growing up. You can't let people walk all over you, and you definitely can't keep letting your heart get broken repeatedly. People mess up, people need to forgive. Well, I guess I can forgive, but this time I can't forget.
I know I sound like some sort of lecturer, but I wanted to share what I learned this weekend. Basically it boils down to the following: Don't let people take you for granted, don't be with people who can't listen, but most importantly, don't fall in love with someone who is dumb enough to throw it all away on some easy opportunity next door. "
Let me be the first to assert that I was extremely hostile in the second paragraph of what I had learned on that particular weekend. However, when taken out of context, the main point still resounds true. People will always go for the easy option, and everything in life that is worthwhile is exactly that--- it is WORTH fighting for. And, of course, if it isn't, you need to let it go.
Final thought:
Live for the day, learn from yesterday, and know that tomorrow is always a fresh beginning to the rest of your life.
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