warn out by myself.

I dont understand why I do it to myself. I know for a fact that I am over this guy, but for some reason he can still draw me in. It's like the whole philosophy on the predator and the prey... you find the weakest victim among the herd of potential victims. For some reason, these predators know my weakness- I am too compassionate. I care too much about people who don't care enough for me.

Have you ever seen the movie "The Holiday"? Well, if not, there's a part of the movie where Cameron Diaz admits that she can't cry anymore. She went through some major trauma in her life, and without giving away part of the movie, it essentially made her cold to the world. I am starting to feel like Cameron. I feel like I have cried and cared way too much about everything and everyone that essentially shouldn't even matter to me. Am I now callous to the world? I hope not, but I really don't know how to feel about anything these days.

Here is the story of my past two days. I have continued taking care of my crippled ex boyfriend. Which is fine, but I can only be a shoulder to cry on so much. Why would a guy call his ex girlfriend to come and take care of him if he had every intention of taking out another girl to his semi-formal event on Friday? I don't understand, why wouldn't he just call her for compassion and company? Why am I the only one he feels comfortable enough to cry around and be weak towards... it's really not fair to me. To get this straight though, it's not because I am jealous of the other girl(s), but moreover, it's that I don't feel that it's appropriate to tell me if you intend on taking another girl to something so special. It's the principle of telling me, not the physical action of doing it. If you are out there reading this, please explain this to me- because I really do not get it.

Secondly, there is a boy I am interested in that is extremely off limits. If you think guys have a code as to which girls a friend can date based upon "guy rules", well, girls rules are far more obsessive and controlling. I am incredibly drawn toward this one guy, but one of my best friends down here has had a crush on him for years and I just can't do that to her. Even if the attraction happened to be mutual, I still wouldn't be able to act on it. The worst part of this situation is that this particular boy is the first one I have been intrigued by since my past break up. I have been on a few semi-dates, but knowing that this one guy I am interested in is off limits makes everything so much harder. The semi-dates have been hanging out in bars with no chemistry and dry senses of humor. I feel like these dates are the embodiment of a gin martini... without the olives or twist, and not to mention, probably stirred. In other words, they are a waste of my time and I have yet to have a connection with any of them. But this one guy is really different, just the way he looks and talks is interesting to me. It brings a smile to my face, a new and fresh smile. It's weird. I wish I could explain it, but in any case, he's off limits so I have to learn to look away.

I truly wish there were some way I could have everything I need. Not everything I want, because once you achieve that- you have nothing to live for. But I wish everything I need was around me. The way I view needs is shelter, food and water, sleep, and something worth waking up for. It seems recently that my life has been in a rut. I don't blame my ex at all, I blame myself for this. I dwell too much on the things I can not change. Life is difficult, but definitely worth the struggle.

Ironically, my previous thought about the inability to cry has proven itself wrong. As I wrote these feelings down, I felt the cold, salty tears running down my face. I wish people could honor the codes of decency when a relationship goes to hell. There are so many things I would never do to someone that have happened to me in my past several relationships; I don't wish these things on my worst enemy because it feels like someone rips a hole into your heart. And, as I previously mentioned, it's not the action of seeing other people that bothers me, it's the dangling it infront of my face to see how I react that bothers me. I don't understand because I don't deserve that. No one does.